Even Her Song Titles Are Boring

Katie Melua is BACK!

With her third album! Count it!

Can you believe people buy this shit?

Anyway, the most boring person in pop is releasing a new album called 'Pictures', which will no doubt be bought by the masses of people with no taste. These are the people who paint their living room beige, and have a picture of a goldfish as their screensaver.

The first single from the album is called... 'If you were a sailboat'. I actually despair. I thought eight billion tampons or whatever it was called was bad, but this. Jesus!

Here is the album cover. Even she looks bored!



The album also contains a song called 'What it says on the tin'. In that case, the album should really be called 'Bland tripe from some bint with a voice like death'.


Katie Melua is the musical equivalent of cynaide.

I shall end this blog with this thought:
If Katie Melua was a sailboat, I would blow a hole in her and sink the bitch.

Her Voice Will Go On

And on and on and on...

Rumours are abound that Celine Dion is working with Timbaland on her new album.

Yes, the bitch is back and this time... she's urban!

I did repeatedly check the calendar to make sure it wasn't April Fools day, but it looks like this could be true.

In that case, I'd like to remind you what happened last time Celine tried to be "cool"



May God have mercy on us all.

It might be time to invest in a nice pair of earmuffs, or alternatively cut off your ears. It's still better than the alternative!

Kissed Off

I have returned from the second of my stints in the crotch of Scissor Sisters. This time, I have more than photos for your arousement. I got my camera out and filmed the fuckers!

So here are three reasons why Scissor Sisters are the most awesome band on the planet.

1. They dance like gays


2. They simulate anal sex on stage despite the fact there are kids in the audience who will ask "Mummy, why's he sticking it in there?"


3. They give amazing performances of amazing songs, as well as walking into spotlights causing the camera to portray said artist as Jesus Christ


So yes, Scissor Sisters = Amazingness. Agreed?

To those of you who will reply to this with "Madonna did it first". What hasn't the slut done? I mean come on. She's adopted half the planet, caused global warming, attempted to cure global warming, and fucked the entire male population of the entertainment industry. Actually... females too.

At Least It's not 118

Unfortunately Dragonette failed to get their second top 100 hit this week, instead they settled for number 112. You may think this is a bad thing, so here are some reasons why getting to number 112 is better than getting to number one:

1. 112 is the name of an American group who had hits with 'Peaches and cream' and, erm... thats about it
2. 112 is an emergency number you can use on your phone, like 999... or 911 if you are in Amayoreeca
3. 911 is also the name of a group, although they are not American... or decent
4. 112 is easy to remember

So congratulations to Dragonette!

Other news in the chart this week:

- Groove Armada got their second top ten hit EVER with 'Song 4 Mutya'. Woulda been their first number one if they hadn't have made such a shit video or waited ten months to release the cunt

- MIKA got a top ten hit with his song about women with a bit of jelly in their hump. People probably bought it after seeing 'Hairspray' in the cinema

- People realised 'Umbrella' is shit

It Didn't Even Make It To December

My sympathies go out to Kelly Clarkson who has seen her new album 'My December' scrapped barely a month after its release.

To be fair, the project was doomed from the start. Perhaps she should have listened to Clive Davis when he warned her her new material was, in actual fact, a pile of dung.

As a Kelly fan, I didn't let Clive's comments deter me so bought the album anyway. I don't regret it! I needed a new coaster.

So yes, bye bye My December. Hello, Album number four - due next year. Will it be called 'My 2008'? Here are my suggestions for some titles:

My Year From Hell
(Since) My Individuality (been gone)
My Shit
Ms. Kelly... no, the other one

However, the most likely title will be 'My Greatest Hits'

My December
2007-2007
Fuck off

Kelly Clarkson's career
2002-2007
R.I.P

They Get Around

I'm not going to make a regular habit of posting mp3s here, but considering this is just a bit of fun intended to be spread around like an STD, here are Dragonette with their own unique take on Calvin Harris' 'The Girls', cleverly called 'The Boys'

Clicky

And here is the cover to the album. Their artwork makes me bulge:

Only In The Scissorhood

Who else would give a blow job to a microphone while singing?

It could only be Jake Shears! Behold:



In short, Scissors at the O2 was fucking amazing! 9 songs from each album - they must realise nobody likes 'Ta dah' much!

The stage was in the shape of their scissor logo, including a "crotch pit" between the two legs, which of course I was in. And here is my rather hyper rather sweaty visual review of the whole thing:

Scissor Sisters Crotch Pit Madness

Add to My Profile | More Videos

I could be a TV presenter.

Best Promotional Item Ever?

These, my friends, are Dragonette condoms.

As you can see, you have a choice of three - each reflecting song titles from their fucking fantastic album 'Galore'. However, people may not be encouraged to have sexual relations with you if you whip out a condom stating 'I get around' so it might be best to go for the 'You please me' one?



Amazing.

Other popstars should take note and release condoms with their own song titles on it, like so:

P!nk: "U + Ur Hand"
Lily Allen: "Not Big"
Shakira: "Don't Bother"
Natalie Imbruglia: "Big Mistake", "Torn"

There Is A God!

Rihanna looks like she's going to be dethroned this week. Shame really. The fact she was number one for ten weeks was showing what a joke the singles chart is at the moment.

So what else can we expect from the charts this week?

* Dragonette look set to get their second top 100 single this year. However, they may miss out on the top 90 for the second time this year!

* MIKA's ode to obesity might miss the top ten. But people are still buying his album so he won't need to join the dole just yet!

* The Manic Street Preachers are still churning out music and are being rewarded with a top three placing. Erm, why?

* People aren't sick of Timbaland yet.

* Or Kate Nash for that matter.

All this leads to one conclusion: The charts are a pile of wank!

All The Lost Cunts

This is James Blunt's new album cover:



I don't need to say much apart from... it doesn't really work, does it? When people buy James Blunt CDs, they want a picture of his feet or him serenading an ayn-gel on a train. Not a collage of millions of pictures of the minger which turn into a giant picture of the cunt.

It also begs the question - With all the billions of pounds he has made from his overrated debut album, why hasn't he invested in a razor? Either to shave or slit his wrists. Both would be doing us a favour.

As for his new single '1973', the jury is still out. I was hoping it was going to be his own interpretation of Estelle's '1980' but alas, it isn't.

Gloriously Emo

Here is the cover to Natalie Imbruglia's forthcoming "hits" collection:



It looks she is trying to create a haircut as emo as Rihanna's, except it doesn't really work, does it?

Calling your greatest hits album 'Glorious' when most people would only be able to name two singles off the top of their head is a bit much, don't you think? I'd have called it "Prematurely Released: The Singles" or "You may only know torn but you'll probably like wrong impression as well: The Singles"

And here is the full video for her gloriously titled new single 'Glorious'



Things to note:
1. I may be wrong, but I was under the impression that Frith Street was in the heart of London and was surrounded by dodgy backstreets featuring scantily clad women and many homosexuals. Apparently not. Frith Street is in a desert with cactuses. Hmmm.
2. Her hair looks less emo in the video and more lesbian.
3. There's a guy who looks like Tom Cruise in the video. Perhaps he is trying to recruit Nat into his cult of scientology... or just impregnate her with his midget sperm.
4. The fact that Natalie isn't walking during the "Keep walking" verse is a wasted opportunity
5. She has a sexy back
6. The sparks coming out of the drum kit are slightly scary

This is still my song of the summer.

Rocking Robyn

The future of music lies in this woman's hands.

She is Robyn and she has come to save us from the mediocrity associated with pop music.

Those of you that have not heard her self-titled album are missing out on a modern classic. It was released 100 years ago in Sweden and was given a soft release in the UK earlier this year. However, due to the impending massive success of 'With every heartbeat', she has made a deal with Island to give her a push in the UK.

This time next year, she will be the new Britney... only with hair and talent.

Here are two reasons to love Robyn:

With Every Heartbeat


Be Mine!


Anyone living in the London area is advised to get tickets for her September show at Bush Hall pronto... if only to see me dancing like a megapoof at the front.

Take It To The Till

If you only buy one thing this week, let it be this:



That is the amazing new single from the amazing band Dragonette.

You may have never seen it on TV. It's not hard to see why really, is it?

That doesn't take away from the songs brilliance though!

It is out in all good record stores today, and by that I mean HMV and Virgin as there are no other record stores that sell singles anymore.

If you buy more than one thing this week, you may also want to invest in the new singles by MIKA (I'm tipping him for big things) and Feist. Also, some food so you don't, like, starve to death!

Same Ego, Different Facial Hair

This is the most ridiculous thing you will see or hear this year, and it comes courtesy of Usher and R. Kelly who have come together in support of every urban stars favourite charity... booty.

The song reminds me of a male version of 'the boy is mine' - however the difference between the two is obvious. 'The boy is mine' was amazing. This... is not.

It seems the two *stars* forgot to create a tune to go with their self promoting lyrics. You can almost hear them unzip their trousers at the end and get a ruler out.

Over-indulgent tosh:



Another thing I noticed. For someone who is meant to be a massive ladies man/homosexual/paedophile (All have been rumoured, only one can be correct), how come Kell's only has four numbers on his phone? Even I have more than that and I've never had a number one single.

The answer is simple. The real money is in blogging, not singing!

Please Don't Stop THIS Music

However, 'Umbrella' can still fuck off.

Even though 'Shut up and drive' is nowhere near ready to come out in the UK, the video for her third single 'Don't Stop The Music' has premiered. Exciting, no?

If you click this, it will magically play inside this blog as if it were magic! Imagine Harry Potter grabbing his wand and shouting YOUTUBARIA!



Things to note in the order they appear:
1. She gets out of the cab without PAYING! What a rebel!
2. Amy Winehouse appears to have shared a cab with her. This explains the rebellious streak Rihanna has begun!
3. Rihanna looks at a kid in a shop while wearing dark glasses and then tells him to be quiet. Hmmm. Listen Rihanna, love. Just cos the song samples Michael Jackson doesn't mean you have to do EVERYTHING he does!
4. Look at the complex clap she does! Not just a pretty face, is she? Well... not just a face.
5. Nothing much exciting happens after the first 30 seconds. She claps some more... well, a lot more and rearranges her breasts. Amazing.

The Rihanna clap is the new Cha-Cha Slide!

And for those of you who haven't seen it, here is the video for 'Shut up and drive'. This video features the most incredible two seconds ever to be seen in any video EVER. This is the moment where she slams down the car bonnet. For me, this is the peak of her career. She will never be able to recreate that moment, no matter how amazing her hair is.



They don't wear clothes like that in the garages I've been to!

I Blame Rihanna

... for all of life's problems, but especially due to the floods and torrential rain gripping the UK at the moment. Have you noticed how the weather has got progressively shitter since 'Umbrella' has been number one?

TEN FUCKING WEEKS NOW!

Who the hell is still buying it? I mean, Jesus! If you want to listen to the song, download it illegally.

I'm obviously not the only one fucked off with 'Umbrella' as 'Shut up and drive' debuted in the top 75 this week on downloads.

Other exciting events in the charts this week... Erm... Fuck all!

No. Just no...

Below are Girls Aloud performing their new single 'Sexy! No No No..." (An English teachers dream) at todays T4 on the beach (The gay Glastonbury). I won't go on about the song as I did that on Friday. Instead, I shall comment on the choreography... or lack of it.

To me, it seems like Cheryl (Bitch Spice?) came up with one "move" five minutes before they went on stage. Even that doesn't justify the pure shitness of this.

It has to be seen to be believed!



I've seen Il Divo move better than this!

I'm Fake

Another person making a long awaited (?) return to music this summer is J.Lo. Sorry, we mustn't call her that anymore. Diva's orders! After an English album no one gave a fuck about and a Spanish album no one gave a fuck about, J.Diddy is trying out another language, though I'll be fucked if I can work out what it is. All I know is it sounds quite shit. Have a listen:



So good, it could have been on 'Rebirth'

Oh, J.Judd. When will you just get on with it and do another 'Love Don't Cost A Thing' (which was a lie anyway)

That's One Way To Kill A Party

Here is Dame Shirley Bassey's take on P!nk's 'Get The Party Started'



Here are some points:
1. The laugh the Dame does on "kissing my arse" is so cringeworthily awful, it should be in the new Shayne Ward single
2. I bet the Queen is regretting giving her a "Dame" title now
3. Is it just me, or has her skin got darker? She's like the Anti-Jacko
4. Do you think anyone's told her what the song is ACTUALLY about?

Remember, this isn't just any past-it diva bitch, this is Marks & Spencer's past-it diva bitch!

The Magic Positions

I had the pleasure of seeing Patrick Wolf supporting MIKA at Somerset House on Tuesday night. I will be doing a review of the entire gig later this evening, but for now here is Patrick in various stages of undress on stage.

It's not every day you go to a show where children witness a gay man with funny hair stripping to his pants (unless you go to see Joseph, of course)

1. Fully clothed... with your belt undone. Look at the expression on the cellists face. He's just glad he has that cello covering his...



2. Doing the funky chicken while wearing a suitable amount of clothes. Erm, Pat... your pants are showing



3. Is this amount of nudity legal outdoors in central London?



Patrick posted a bulletin after the gig saying "MIKA is a twat". One would assume the curly haired one wouldn't give Patrick oral sex and now the Wolfman is bitter.

Sexology

Everyone's favourite girlband are back! No, not the Spice Girls. I'm talking about those other five girls: Party Spice, WAG Spice, Non entity spice, Soon-to-be-solo Spice and, erm... Ginger Spice! They are more commonly known as "Them girls that didn't get in Clea" although some like to call them Girls Aloud!

After releasing about seventy eight covers in a row, Girls Aloud are back with an original song! We shouldn't give the girls too much credit. It's not as if they actually write anything. They just shag Hollywood hunks into rehab, marry footballers who aren't David Beckham, or test out various shades of ginger on their hair. To be fair, this is still an achievement. Would anyone give a shit if they were ugly?

Enough on the girls' "personalities" (I use that word lightly). As any pop fanatic knows, it's the music that counts... as well as the countless tabloid stories to ensure people know they actually have a single coming out.

The new single is called 'Sexy! No No No...'. As you can tell from the title, the girls have graduated from their biology classes and have moved on to English. Yes, folks! They have learnt how to punctuate and they want to shout it from the rooftops! Next, they'll learn how to spell.

Apart from an intro that reminds me of Corona's 'Rhythm of the night', it's pretty good. Note the use of the word "pretty" - this does not mean OMGZ IT IZ DA BESTEST FING EVA. Doesn't make a blind bit of difference though. The girls could fart their way through three minutes of music and all the gays would cum at the sound of it.

Check it out yourself. Note: This is NOT the video, although it does look as expensive as their videos usually are:

What A Load Of Old Sh...ayne!

Shayne Ward is BACK! Did you miss him? Go on. Did you?

Shayne is hoping to repeat the success of his X Factor predecessor Steve Brookstein by ACTUALLY releasing a second album. If it charts in the top 75, he will be the most successful X Factor contestant EVER!

But lets not get ahead of ourselves. There's still the single to come. It is called 'If that's ok with you' and features the worst lyrics in pop since the Cheeky Girls released their Ivor Novello winning 'Cheeky Flamenco'

As for the style of music, it is clear that Shayne has been taking lessons from Jamelia in "How to alienate your fanbase"

Obviously Louis Walsh has been bumming the right people as he has persuaded someone to actually let Shayne make a video that cost more than £5. There were rumours that Shayne "accidentally" threw a midget in the pool in this video. However, the lack of midgets present in this video makes me think it was either a lie, or that the midget is now dead and all scenes related to said midget have been cut so Shayne can avoid spending time in prison with the rest of his family.

Things to bear in mind before you attempt to watch this amazing work of art

1. Despite what he may think, he is NOT, repeat NOT Justin Timberlake
2. He is also not the British equivalent of Justin Timberlake
3. If he was Bolivian, he would not be the Bolivian equivalent of Justin Timberlake. I do not know any Bolivian artists, but I am sure there is at least one person more capable of being Justin that Shayne is
4. He looks like a rapist in the video
5. Admittedly a rapist who can dance
6. He is dancing inappropriately... like a rapist

So here we go!



OK with you?

Gloriously Joyful

Well, strike me down with a kangaroo testicle, it's the return of everyone's favourite Neighbours pop starlet who isn't Kylie Minogue... that Natalie bird whose surname no one can spell.

After ten years in the music industry, she has decided to release a greatest hits collection.
I say SHE has decided. One would assume someone from her record company said something along these lines:
"'Ere love, your last album may have got to number one and all, but it didn't make much money for us. So erm... lets release a greatest hits or you can fuck off home"

Despite only releasing nine singles, which is an average of less than one a year, Natalie's 'Glorious: The Singles' hits the shelves in September, and will be in bargain buckets everywhere by Christmas.

Don't get me wrong, I do love Natalie. She has the ability to make music so joyful, all you want to do is wear a tank top and pretend its the '80s again, as well as make music that is so depressingly beautiful, you just want to cry forever realising the '80s are over. This whole thing just screams "pointless", don'tcha think?

Thankfully,she has decided to go for the former for her new single 'Glorious'... and what a result it is! Even though we are in the middle of floods, earthquakes and whatever else Mother Nature chooses to throw at us in these summer months, this effort from Nat makes you forget your troubles and want to go sunbathing despite the potential risk of drowning in the rain.

Here is a clip of the video:



I'm calling this "Song of the summer" after Mutyamarda's 'Song 4 Mutya' has begun to grate on me!

On The Verge Of Amazingness

The first thing I have chosen to ramble about is Darren Hayes comeback. I use that word lightly, as while this may be his first album since his departure with Sony BMG a while ago, he has never really had any failure as a solo artist. Since leaving Savage Garden, he has seen all of his UK released singles venture inside the top 20. True, his last album 'The Tension and the Spark' underperformed tragically, but I put that down to the UK record buying public not knowing a decent record if it slapped them in the face and said "Stop listening to that shit. It's as original as Westlife!".

Even though Darren uses the concept of time machines in songs from his new album, lets escape the past and concentrate on the future - namely Darren's forthcoming 25 track opus 'This Delicate Thing We've Made'. The first single from it is the joyfully titled 'On The Verge Of Something Wonderful' - the video for which you can see below:



Who else could write unique and quirky
lyrics such as "A trip to the dentist, the Hollywood black list"?

This is just one of the gems on what looks certain to be a collection of Darren's strongest material to date! From the nine songs I've heard so far, standouts are the epic sounding 'How To Build A Time Machine' which opens with the line "If I have understood correctly, velocity equals the distance travelled divided by time", the beautiful ballad 'Words' which should please all the fans of Darren's 'Truly madly deeply' style ballads, and 'Bombs Up In My Face' which I couldn't explain to you even if I tried. All I can say is... it sounds nothing like him vocally or musically but it is fucking amazing! "The President who fucked the world for every future boy and girl is golfing in Arruba with a suntan and scuba" is one such line from said song.

August 20th is the day the album gets its long awaited release. I expect to be obsessing over the entire project for at least the next twelve months.

In the words of Darren himself, "Who would have thought it could be amazing?"

Welcome one and... two

If you are reading this, you have either caught me spamming over the Internet... or you know me. If it's the latter, I apologise now.

Anyhoo, welcome to Dazzle Deluxe. In this blog I will be discussing my musings on various subjects of importance... such as music, movies and celebrity!

For now, this is a work of progress but pretty soon it will be the greatest blog, like, ever! Probably.

Hooray!